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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.