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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?