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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Jesus is coming.... look busy
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.