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You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there