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A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
My mom says I`m special.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.