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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?