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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. Iām not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.