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It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
My internet goes out more than I do.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.