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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.