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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.