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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!