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"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.