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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.