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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Beer is good, but beers are better.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.