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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My house has really let itself go.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.