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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.