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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
why me is me ?
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.