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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.