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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.