Daily Silly Status

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.

I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?

Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.

Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?

I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.

When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.

All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"

You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.

My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now

One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."

I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?