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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.