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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up