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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!