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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.