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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
I need new swear words.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.