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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"