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The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.