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There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Save water- shower with me!
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.