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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Where is the button to restart summer?
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.