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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me