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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?