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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?