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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!