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In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk