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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
If you figure me out I want an explanation.
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.