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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!