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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
I’m late for a disappointment.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?