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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.