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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.