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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.