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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married