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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents