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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.