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Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!