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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.