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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"