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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.