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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.