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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.