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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.