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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.