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So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".