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I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.