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Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
is a mystery you´ll never solve
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.