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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?