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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Does this couch Iām laying on make me look unmotivated?
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.