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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.